I Don’t Know Why I Can’t Do It: Accommodating Pathological Demand Avoidance at Work

My phone buzzes at me and I look down to see a notification from my TikTok “People are noticing you! You have 12 new page views”. My stomach sinks and I ignore the good news. I had a good streak of social media success. I was posting frequently, gathering a following, and even had one semi-viral video circulating, but the last time I posted something I had to turn my air conditioning off to mute the background noise. I can feel my communications friends’ brains explode while they read this “Why?!?! Why aren’t you utilizing your social media? You should be posting at LEAST once a week!!!” The answer: A little (big) something called pathological demand avoidance.

Pathological demand avoidance is the thing that stops me from doing what I need, should, or even want to do. It’s a common trait of neurodivergence, but can also be caused by a number of other reasons such as trauma and sensory disorders. While demand avoidance is a shared human experience, pathological demand avoidance is an all encompassing condition that can hinder one’s ability to move freely through life. Pathological demand avoidance is not a choice, there are even ways to anticipate its lifelong presence from early childhood. Someone with PDA will often avoid the demands of everyday life based solely on the fact that they’re demands, which can make someone feel like they lack control over their life. Sometimes PDA shows up as an “irrational” reaction to a simple request, and the presence of PDA can vary based on someone’s current level of energy, health, and the spoons they have available.

The PDA society provides examples of demands such as direct demands (sit, wait here, what do you want to eat?) and indirect demands including plans, questions, decisions, internal bodily demands like going to the bathroom or drinking water (I deal with this one big time), praise, transitions, expectations, and even things we want to do like hobbies and seeing friends, even everyday demands like brushing your teeth and showering. There are also demands within demands. The example provided by PDA Society is going to the movies– a demand that also comes with demands such as sitting still, remaining quiet, and laughing/responding at the appropriate times. When faced with these requests of life, someone with PDA can feel sudden anxiety, dread, fear, and reduced self worth or confidence.

Pathological demand avoidance can have a huge impact on someone’s success at work, an environment that provides an endless series of demands. It can be frustrating to manage an employee with PDA, especially without understanding where this avoidance is coming from. PDA can be perceived as laziness, unreliability, and resistance to authority, all things that typically require a performance improvement plan, or could cost someone their job. But when the demand avoidance is pathological and is a result of neurodiversity, what are our responsibilities to accommodate this condition as leaders and managers? Obligated accommodations in the workplace are defined as reasonable, which I can and probably will do a whole other article about. A perceived unwillingness to get work done on time can seem outside of what’s reasonable, but I think there are some practical systems we can put in place to ease the burden of work demands, and can benefit everyone on the team, regardless of the presence of PDA.

One of the most basic management tactics is just adjusting our communication styles. Coming from a place of authentic curiosity is a communication norm that can be practiced to be a better leader in general. When we ask questions like “what do you think we should do?” and “do you have any suggestions for next steps?” and “I haven’t seen this approach before, can you walk me through your process?”we create opportunities for employees to share in their own words what their tasks should be and provide insight into their thought processes. Questions like “How can I support you finishing this by [date]?” “Would you like me to follow up in 1 week?” give the space for someone to define how they’d like to be managed. We know that micromanaging isn’t effective, and sometimes all someone needs is autonomy and a check in or two. Involving your staff in the process of setting the expectation establishes buy in and ownership and feels less like an external demand. Notice that these questions aren’t “Why would you do it like that?” and “Why aren’t you done with this yet?”, which are demanding questions.

Another communication strategy is to point a person in a direction and make suggestions that can prompt their own brainstorming to figure out a solution to a problem or next step in a project. The following was offered to me by my partner (Hi John!), a preschool teacher whose job is to meet the demands of not only the school leadership, but of 16 children as well. He said “Show rather than tell. Provide examples of what success looks like to inspire action”. If there is an area where work is not meeting expectations, show your colleague how someone else has accomplished a task and what tools they used to get there. Ask them how they might be able to accomplish similar results.

These adjustments do not replace direct communication. The intention is not to passive aggressively “drop hints” without setting clear expectations, but when we come to our colleagues with honest curiosity, that intention is felt in the words you’re saying. People will pick up on your openness and willingness to hear them out, much like we can all pick up on judgment and aggression. These suggestions are not just helpful in accommodating PDA and neurodivergence, but move our collective approach to leadership toward anti-capitalist and decolonized management. (Check out the Decolonizing Management course from New Coyote Consulting here!)

Another solution that I love is a system called accountability buddies (I like accountabilibuds). I developed this system with my colleagues at Partners for a Hunger-Free Oregon, but we’re certainly not the first to think up such an idea. Accountability Buddies are pairs or triads of peers that support each other through a practice of regular and intentional reflection and feedback on our work. They are not your manager, they aren’t responsible for getting you to complete your work on time, or deliver punitive outcomes based on performance. There is no power imbalance in the dynamic and your buddy is not there to provide feedback on behalf of others in the organization. Instead, buddies listen closely to gather understanding about your work, ask questions for clarification, reflection, or to surface contradictions, brainstorm and troubleshoot project pain points, identify goals and intentions for growth and learning, and offer appreciative and constructive feedback. Check out this Management Center article with examples of probing questions you could ask your accountability buddy to get them thinking about solutions to problems. Accountability buddies worked so well for me that since starting my career as a solopreneur, I still have once a month meetings with my original accountability buddy, Fatima Jawaid Marty, who also started her own business. (Check out FJM Consulting and the rad work she’s doing with advocacy organizations)

I still struggle with my pathological demand avoidance everyday, and often have to make choices about what the most essential tasks are for me, but when I feel self-motivated and without external pressure and false urgency, I can bust out some amazing work, like writing this blog piece! Maybe I’ll even make a TikTok about this…